the great floor experiment

Last week was a tumultuous rampage through the giddy heights of my living room floor. I decided to lay there for as long as i could just to check how quickly people would react were i dead. I do realise that I could have simply gone about my business and failed to answer the phone etc, but I just decided to take the simulation to its semi-fullest extent. I lasted a day and a half, getting up only to pee and i had a tunnocks teacake and cup of tea around 4oclock on the first day.

I failed to use this time in a productive, thoughtful way, not contemplating my place in the pecking order of the larger scale of things, nor contemplating the bounties that my future could hold were i to properly apply myself. I really just lay there and checked out the contours of my old lady carpet and nasally hoovered up the scents of several tenants, including, presumably an old lady. Tea, tea biscuit, smoke, faint tinge of alcohol. I am sure that at one point i had it bottled and a great marketing campaign all laid out, but extreme hunger and fatigue soon bludgeoned the plan into non-existence.

My place of work were non-plussed, but i had to explain that i had been unconscious for 2 days and managed to get a doctors line to back this up, despite it being a falsehood. I am now considering an alternative lifestyle as a swindling cheater type. However i don’t know if i have the intestinal fortitude for such an act.

To get rid of the in-house malaise that had been liberally spread all over my prone body i took a walk to the local mall. When i say mall i mean shopping centre, but i am suffering from a bout of American style laziness and have shortened the words to fit into my high octane lifestyle. The weekday at the shopping centre does not provide the claustrophobic hell of the weekend, but it serves to display the wastrels of our time. I saw so many slack jawed people walking towards me that I was convinced that i was about to happen upon something that would stun me into awe. I was disappointed.

To take a break from it all i headed for the nearest public toilets. I sat on the seat, safely locked into the disinfected shite smelling cubicle and felt a little safer. I noticed that the toilet roll dispenser was manufactured by TORK. I wondered if this was Peter Tork the ex-monkey. I like the idea of him being forced to make jaunty pop music, making millions and then putting his time and effort into sanitation while davy jones ploughed on trying to accelerate his acting career with stints on Boy Meets World and My 2 Dads.

I left, disgruntled and wishing that I could lay on my floor once again.